Helping Myself

It's time to revisit this page.  I need an outlet.  I need to find a way to help myself get better.  I need to be better so that I can be healthier, more present, more...everything.  Maybe journaling on this blog will help me get there.

It's been an interesting year, to say the least.  In the midst of moving forward with my life after losing my dad, I found out I was pregnant with our third child.  I can't lie, I was surprised.  Wait, that's an understatement.  I was SHOCKED!!!  I'll spare you the details, but a third pregnancy was not planned, and for many reasons, defied all odds.  With my first two pregnancies, I was waiting to announce it as soon as I hit the 12 week mark.  I carried our secret excitedly wanting nothing more than to shout it from the rooftops.  This third pregnancy, however, was easily kept a secret.  I was not excited.  I did not feel the need to share the news.  That sounds cruel, I know.  The entire time I knew that I would love my baby.  I knew that I'd never be able to imagine life without him or her once the child was born.  I'm a planner, you see.  If ever there was something that needed to be planned (in my mind) it would be a baby.  Not being able to plan something so life-altering affected me deeply.

Fast-foward to January of 2014.  I, very excitedly, gave birth to our third child, a daughter named Zoey Violet.  She was perfection and I fell in love immediately, of course!  My 3 days in the hospital with her was nearly magical (despite the recovery from a third c-section).  Just like with my first two births, I cherished my time in that little room.  My amazing nurses took such good care of me.  I felt spoiled.  I was able to just focus on bonding with my baby.  There were no responsibilities whatsoever.  I was always sad on my last day.  It was always nice to come home, sleep in my own bed, be with my family, but I missed my little cocoon in the hospital.

One major difference this time is that almost as soon as I got home, my son caught the flu.  He was extremely ill (yes, we immunize) for an entire week.  Once he recovered, my daughter fell ill.  She recovered...and my infant got sick.  Any parent knows that a sick newborn is scary.  We nearly had to make a trip to the ER in the middle of the night.  While she was still sick, my son got sick again.  It became a cycle.  One would recover, only for the other older child to get a new illness.  This wasn't just a simple cold either.  We had the flu, stomach flu, sinus infections accompanied by migraines, etc, etc, etc...It truly felt never-ending!

Thanks to this "plague" visiting our house while I was trying to recover from major surgery, was extremely sleep-deprived, and had raging hormones, I fell into a pretty deep depression.  Along with the depression came major anxiety.  If my kids were well for a day or two, I was constantly on edge.  I was just waiting for one to get sick again and I was so worried about protecting my infant.

I am grateful to have an incredible Ob-Gyn, Dr. Rose.  She is truly supportive and referred me to a therapist as she handed me a note to extend my maternity leave.  I'd been off for 8 weeks and my kids had been sick for all but 5 days the entire time.  I couldn't imaging going back to work without having any true time to just relax and enjoy my new baby.

Now, I'm finally returning to work.  I'm not ready, but I don't think I'll ever be.  I have to do it though.

So, here I am.  Two days from going back to work.  Still battling depression and filled with anxiety.  I've had a few sessions with my therapist.  I really like her and she seems to be helping.  Once suggestion was to journal.  Another was to think of three things that I am proud of every day.  Ready?

1. I started this blog again to try to help myself.
2. I cooked a good dinner.
3. I felt like an adequate mom.

Some days my proud list will be more significant, some days less.  Either way, I'll be happy just to find three things.

Thanks for reading.  Maybe you'll find that we have something in common?...